So Today I Lost My Sh!t

 

Today I lost my sh*t. 🙋

I mean completely lost my sh*t. I failed. As soon as I make the proclamation to be a better person, my ability to actually be a better person is tested TO THE MAXIMUM.

Just a few days ago, I made a promise to myself as part of my personal growth plan to remain calm. To let nothing anger me, to not raise my voice, to send mental love to all those I engage with. 

Well, I failed at all of it. The only reason I'm writing now is because once my mom talked me off the ledge, I remembered that I said I would journal my anger away also. So I figured I can at least do that part since I failed on all other parts. I can at least keep that word to myself and not make this a complete failure.

A few hours ago I received a phone call that threatened my youngest son's livelihood! And what's even more crazy is the phone call was from a FAMILY MEMBER!

So being the shameless mother bear that I am... I BLEW UP.  I mean I lost it. I blacked out. I said hurtful things. I was prepared to get physical. I gathered bail money 😬. My son was being lied on, he was crying, he was confused, and I was ready to risk it all in order to defend him. Seeing his heart fall out of his chest in genuine sadness and confusion was so painful. It made me RAGE.

I was screaming, my blood was boiling, my mind began to go to a dark place. 

I called my mommy because I was beginning to scare myself with the dark thoughts that were conjuring up in my mind. 

She reminded me that the devil will always try to come in and destroy when he see you are on the right track. 

And she's so right. I'm blessed to have her.

I JUST finished my 3 day fast spending alone time with God. I JUST made the decision to be disciplined and get closer with God. And when the devil can't get to you, he will try to come through those that are closest to you. That's why isolation is so important. 

When trying to get closer to God, when trying to better self, isolation is key. But also understanding that the closer one gets to God, the more the devil will try to come because he knows the power that come to those who make the conscious decision AND take the necessary steps to align with God.

Be careful who you allow into your life even for just a second. Because someone can pull a lie right out of their a**hole and leave you with the sh*t to clean up. Now you have to defend yourself for a lie someone told. Now you are guilty until proven innocent because someone just decides to make up a story. 

Be careful who you allow into your life...even family. Or should I say ESPECIALLY FAMILY. Alignment is not for the weak. The devil will come in MANY WAYS. Stay armored up with the fruit of the spirit. 

I've fallen off the wagon of peace, love, and alignment for a few hours. But I'm ok now. It's amazing how writing it out really does create a sense of calm. 

I'm getting back on the wagon. I'm blocking the negative energy and leaving it with God. This is completely out of my hands at this point. I leave it with God. May God continue to guide me and protect my household. May God protect my household's mind, body, and spirit. May God keep us.

Remember people, the closer you align with God, the more the devil will try to get you. And when he can't get you the usual way, he'll try in the most unorthodox. But DON'T BE SCURRED. GOD GOT YOU. This is only a test.

Be better than me and recognize the distraction BEFORE falling off the peace wagon. It is only a distraction. It is also a CLEAR SIGN THAT TRUE ALIGNMENT is very very near. This is only happening to test my faith in God. To see if I am worthy of true alignment with God. To see if I will leave God and fight fire with fire OR have faith, step back, and allow God to work. I picked up fire for just a bit but I don't like that fiery place. I don't like how it feels to be angry. I don't like giving others the power to make me angry. I want to remain with God. I want to remain in peace. 

Protect your peace BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY people. Because those who are not in peace can't stand to see someone who is and they'll allow the devil to use them without even realizing it. ISOLATE and STAY PRAYED UP on this growth journey.

Ok I feel a little better now. I know what this is so I feel better. It's just the devil letting me know that I'm really really close with God and he doesn't like it. That's all. God got me. God got my son. And I even send love to my goofy a** family member that attempted to disturb the peace. 

Over and out.